Make a paragraph clearer
🎯 Try it
Which sentence needs evidence rather than confident wording?
📝 Start with this draft
“Schools should have gardens. Gardens are good. People like gardens and they are nice. We should get one.”
The claim exists, but repeated opinions give the reader little reason to agree. Revise for claim → reason → specific illustration → explanation → qualification.
📝 Worked revision
“A small school garden could make science lessons more concrete. For example, pupils could compare how two sets of bean seedlings grow under different watering conditions. Measuring and recording changes would connect a classroom explanation to visible evidence. The school would still need a watering rota during holidays, so a single raised bed would be a manageable starting point.”
The example is a proposed activity, not a claim that a study proved a result. Notice the limitation and practical scale.
📝 Your revision
Rewrite this draft: “The library needs quiet times. Noise is bad. Quiet is better. Everyone would learn more.” Keep one claim, add a specific illustration, and replace the unsupported everyone claim with cautious reasoning.
📝 Read it as a skeptical reader
Underline the claim. Circle the illustration. Mark any claim needing a source. Check each sentence adds something new. A suitable revision proposes a quiet study period, illustrates a reader concentrating on a difficult passage, and acknowledges the need for a separate discussion space.
✅ Check your understanding
What does the qualification add?
✏️ Try a second audience
Write three sentences to a librarian proposing a quiet study period. Include a specific time, a reason tied to a reader’s task, and one way discussion can continue elsewhere. Do not invent a study or claim everyone benefits.
🔑 Worked answer
One possible revision: Could we trial a quiet study period from 4 to 5 pm? A reader working through a difficult passage could use that time with fewer interruptions. We could keep the meeting room available for discussion and ask visitors how the trial worked.